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She’s desperate to meet her birth mum
I am really upset with my 16-year-old daughter. We adopted her as a baby as we couldn’t have children of our own. I feel we have been good parents and tried so hard to be as loving as possible but all she talks about is finding her biological mother when she is 18. While I understand how important it is to her to know where she comes from and we have always known that she will probably want to meet her birth mum, it really hurts as it feels as if she is saying that I’m not good enough. She has been really difficult at home in recent months, too, shouting and swearing at me and sometimes yelling that she hates me. (She is well-behaved at school.) I almost feel as though I hate her, too, but of course I don’t. She has been very angry about not being able to have friends round, go to parties or meet boys. Christmas was difficult with so many arguments and she spends most of her time in her room. My husband is supportive but she doesn’t shout at him as much and he says that she will grow out of it. She used to be so affectionate, but I only get occasional flashes of that now. What really hurts is that she seems to think that when she meets her birth mother, suddenly everything will be all right and they will have a wonderful reunion. But we met her (as part of the adoption process when she was pregnant) and she was not a saint. I keep wondering where we have gone wrong.
You sound lovely and I am absolutely sure that you have not gone wrong. As many parents who have survived the teenage years will tell you, about 16 or 17 seems to be the most difficult age, when children are full of hormones. They want to be an adult and independent and separate from their parents, but they also still need you. So a lot of her behaviour is just about being 16, rather than being adopted. It’s currently a really difficult time for the young and she is acting out her frustrations. In many ways, your husband is right (I wonder if he has sisters?) – she will grow out of it. It is very hurtful but, in fact, don’t take it personally – it can be a mark of how much she trusts you that she is so angry with you. Teenagers often take their anger out on their mothers because it is safe to do so. She knows that however angry she gets, you are the one who is always there for her. She loves you, but she is just having a tough time right now. It is hard when she keeps idealising her birth mother. When she meets her, she may be sadly disappointed and will need you more than ever. In the meantime, don’t let it eat away at you. It is not easy, but try not to meet anger with anger. Stay calm, ask her not to shout and when she yells that she hates you, tell her that you know she is angry but that you love her very much (even if in that moment you don’t feel it). This is what she needs to hear. For further support, try contacting adoptionuk.org.
His anger is destroying our marriage
My husband is angry most of the time and has been for as long as I can remember. At the beginning, he was lovely but was under a lot of pressure at work and often away. When he came home, he was bad-tempered. I had a brief flirtation early in my marriage – nothing sexual – and he has never let me forget it. I regret hurting him. He said he forgave me, but every time we argue he brings it up. I have never told anyone how difficult he is, not even my children as I am not sure they would understand. For 35 years I have pretended to be the perfect wife and mother but I am not. I loathe myself and feel alone. I have told him I would never leave and I want us to get help, but he refuses.
Your self-loathing is sad and your husband has made you feel this way through years of anger and inability to forgive. It is understandable that you developed feelings for someone else when your husband was so bad-tempered. It sounds fairly minor and you regretted it, yet your husband is making you pay for it over and over. Stop blaming yourself for everything. You have more than made up for any hurt you caused and you need to stop letting him make you feel guilty and worthless. It may be difficult to persuade him to go to counselling, so tell him gently that you are miserable and you want the marriage to get better, but if he won’t go, you will go alone. Try relate.org.uk. Also confide in your children. They probably have an idea of how difficult he is and I’m sure that they would be concerned to learn that their mother is so unhappy.