ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

I can’t forgive my abusive mother  

My mum, who is in her late 70s, is in a nursing home and severely incapacitated with multiple sclerosis. I want to send her a letter to say that I hope she is OK but I am struggling to know what to write. I am one of three children and neither my brother nor I have any contact with her – she was nasty to us from a young age while my sister was always the favoured child. I always dreamt of going to university but my mum was against this and she threw me out when I was 16, accusing me – incorrectly – of taking drugs. She tried to have me evicted from a flat when I was 17 by telling the landlord that I was living with my boyfriend. She refused to attend my wedding and banned my grandad and brother from going. There have been numerous other incidents and even now, in my 50s, I can’t understand why she behaved like this. I have three lovely children and three gorgeous grandchildren and I have always tried to be the mother that I wish she had been. I will always miss the mum I never had. Should I say that I forgive her? I have a successful career and a happy life.

 It is very generous of you to be concerned about your mother as she has treated you (and your brother) appallingly. It is difficult to know why she favoured your sister and was so unkind to you – sometimes parents subconsciously see qualities in one child that they feel are lacking in themselves so they look to that child to fill a gap in their own life. Or perhaps you or your brother reminded her of one of her parents who might have treated her very badly. Either way, your mother was clearly a very inadequate and damaging parent, probably with mental-health issues, and the hurt must still be huge. So what can you say to her now? First, think about why you want to write to her. Of course you feel pity and sadness for a woman who is now desperately frail and totally dependent on others, but are you also hoping for some kind of explanation or apology for why she behaved this way? Unfortunately, you are unlikely to get it – she would probably cruelly dismiss it (if she were physically able to reply) and reject you again. So you could write briefly to say you are very sad that you never felt loved or valued by her (with no details) but you are truly sorry that she is now in such pain and you wish her well. I don’t think that you need to say you forgive her. But bear in mind that her reply could just add to the hurt. It might help you to read Mean Mothers: Unloved Daughters and the Legacy of Hurt by Peg Streep.

Should I postpone my wedding?  

I am meant to be getting married in early September but everything is now so uncertain and I am wondering whether to postpone it. My fiancé says that he still wants to go ahead even if it means we can have only a small gathering as he thinks it is more important than ever to make a commitment to each other. I can see what he means but a wedding is meant to be the happiest day of your life and I don’t feel happy – I feel anxious and scared most of the time and I’m worried about my dad, who has asthma. Even if we are no longer in lockdown by September, I think there is going to be so much loss and grief. I love my fiancé so much but I would rather wait until next year.

These are desperately worrying times for so many people and, yes, I agree with you that – even when the immediate danger fades – the impact on society of so many deaths will be very heavy for us all to bear. It is really lovely that your fiancé is so keen to marry you. Remember that a lot of people got married in wartime for similar reasons: he wants you to be officially the most important person in his life at a time when the future is unknown. Of course you would want a wedding to be a happy occasion, but it is also about marrying the man you love and being together. I can’t make the decision for you, but one solution could be to go ahead with the wedding on a very small scale (which could still be lovely), then plan a bigger celebration next year when hopefully things will seem brighter.