ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

I want to leave my husband but have nowhere to go

I had a miserable childhood. My parents only wanted boys and I was the third girl. My father was possibly schizophrenic and my mother was depressed, but I felt sorry for her and stuck up for her all my life, despite knowing that she loved my younger brothers and not me. Eventually, I married and had three children (now in their 30s; I’m 60). However, my husband – outwardly charming and liked by everyone – completely changed after we married: becoming spiteful, selfish and a liar. I confided in my mother but was told I hadn’t tried and had to work at my marriage. When our eldest son was diagnosed with Asperger’s at 13 after struggling for years, I realised that this might be affecting my husband, too. Yet my son is kind and honest – the opposite of his father. Our marriage was effectively over some years ago. I had counselling and was advised to leave, but I have nowhere to go. My eldest son is still very dependent on me. We live on a farm and he loves it here, so I don’t want to uproot him. When my parents died, they left everything to my brothers and sisters but nothing to me. I don’t know what I was most upset about – my parents making it so public that they hated me or the fact that a fair share would have meant I could walk away from my marriage comfortably.     

 What strikes me most in your much longer and very complex letter is how unhappy you have been and still are in your marriage. Your counsellor told you to leave your husband and I agree, but of course you feel trapped – not just by economic circumstances, but also because you felt so unloved as a child you have sadly come to expect very little from life. But do you really want to be in this position in another 20 years, still with your husband, who could well get even more unreasonable with age? Of course it won’t be easy and, with the current global uncertainty, such a big change may not be possible right now. But make a plan to leave when you can and, in the meantime, tell your husband that you will not put up with his behaviour and want to live separate lives at home – separate bedrooms and living space if you can. You will need to be tough, so continue with counselling online, which I hope will also help you work through all the pain in your childhood. Rather than thinking that your parents hated you, think of them as incapable of love (perhaps because of their own damage) – which is entirely their issue and not because you were unlovable. Also contact Dimensions (dimensions-uk.org), a charity that supports people with autism and learning difficulties. Its forums might help you to feel less alone.

 

 I’m worried about my mother’s weight 

I am deeply concerned about my mum. She is overweight (size 24) and has been getting steadily larger over the past few years. If I ask her about it she denies there is a problem. A couple of years ago she started going to Slimming World but then stopped. Recently she started going again but then her friend gave up so she did too. Now, of course, she can’t go at all, and I don’t think she has the motivation to do it online. She has no willpower and does no exercise whatsoever. I’m aware that I’m handling it in the wrong way, but I find her denial so frustrating and  I’m frightened she will have a heart attack. My dad is no help as he bites my head off if I mention it.

Often when people are anxious about someone with self-damaging behaviours, their frustration and fear makes them angry or impatient and the person just feels attacked and even more miserable. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to make someone change – the motivation has to come from your mother. I expect she is depressed underneath her denial, so try to put your fears aside for now and just listen. What she needs is empathy, so don’t ask about her weight at all at the moment – ask her how she is feeling. Build a rapport so that she feels she is being supported and not judged. Hopefully she will bring up the subject herself, and then you can say: ‘How can I help with that?’