ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

If you have a problem, email [email protected]. Zelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally

She’s 35 but still acts like a child  

My difficult younger sister is still living at home with our mum, who is in her 70s. She is 35, the youngest of four, and because of this my mum is overprotective towards her. My sister treats her badly and takes advantage of her kindness. Sometimes she can be nice, and is often funny, but most of the time she is very volatile and rages when my mum asks her to do simple things, such as tidying up or helping to put the shopping away. My sister did move out to live with her boyfriend for a while, but it ended very badly and she went back to living at home and was more miserable than ever. I think my mum would like her to leave but she also says that she is really worried about her and that both of them might be lonely if she moved out as our father died more than ten years ago.

Your sister sounds very unhappy. However, this is no excuse for behaving this way and your mum shouldn’t have to put up with her bad behaviour. Perhaps you and your other siblings should talk to your mum to explain gently that your sister needs to move out for her own sake as well as hers, and that she needs to be a bit tougher on her. Your sister is still behaving like a child, hence the tantrums and lack of responsibility. She needs to learn to be independent in order to grow up. From your longer letter, it sounds as if the elder three of you are successful and settled with families and careers. Perhaps your sister is jealous or resentful of this and feels like a failure because she is still dependent on your mum. Try talking to your sister but don’t berate her for her behaviour as she will feel attacked and won’t listen. Instead, tell her that you know she is miserable and that you think it is making her lash out. Explain that it would be better for her self-esteem if she learned to manage on her own. Maybe you could help her find a better job and a flat to rent and encourage her to make new friends. Ask your sister if she wants to talk to you (or another sibling) or perhaps see a counsellor – she could try Relate (relate.org.uk) or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). As she is 35 she is probably worried about being single and possibly wanting children. It sounds as though she needs some tough love and support. Meanwhile, if she does move out, perhaps your mum could join the Homeshare scheme (homeshareuk.org), one of Age UK’s groups (ageuk.org.uk/get-involved/social-groups) or even try online dating, for instance at silversingles.co.uk.

I want to know if he still thinks about me
I’m confused about a guy I was involved with for a long time. It was always on and off but he often told me how much he loved me and that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. I believe we were really in love and had a genuine connection. However, we haven’t spoken for nearly two years and I can’t help wondering why. He was living with a girl and I know that he had asked her to move out, but I think they are back together. I need to know if he ever thinks about me and whether he really wants to be with this girl or if he is just stuck in the relationship. I have moved on and so has he, but I would like to know why he hasn’t been in touch just so I can get closure.

Letting go of relationships is always difficult, especially when there is no real explanation. You don’t say why you finally broke up but it sounds as if it may have been his decision and perhaps to do with his current girlfriend. You could try emailing or texting him to ask how he is and explain that you want to understand why it ended in order to move on. But that could open a can of worms so it is probably better to accept that it is over and throw yourself into new activities to keep yourself busy. As you kept breaking up and getting back together, it doesn’t sound as though it was the right relationship for either of you. It will get easier in time, particularly when you meet someone new – but this is more likely to happen when you stop thinking about your ex all the time. 

  • If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email [email protected]