MONDAY, FEBRUARY 10
Huge news: I’ve won Heat magazine’s Secret Crush award for the second year running.
Describing me as the ‘Good Morning Britain charmer’, Heat revealed I scooped a staggering two-thirds of all votes cast after its readers ‘probed their deepest desires and consulted their burning loins to tell us who floated their less-than-conventional boat’.
I’ve won Heat magazine’s Secret Crush award for the second year running. Asked what I thought my USP was when it comes to provoking such mass, albeit unspoken, adoration, I replied: ‘I think it’s because the entire country is now infested with snowflakes and women, in particular, are drawn to what they see as the antidote’
Asked during an accompanying interview what I thought my USP was when it comes to provoking such mass, albeit unspoken, adoration, I replied: ‘I think it’s because the entire country is now infested with snowflakes and women, in particular, are drawn to what they see as the antidote. I stand up for common sense and I think a lot of women – and I’m not ruling out an extensive male vote too – see what used to be called a “real man”. I don’t wear papooses, I’m not a vegan, and I don’t think James Bond should be a woman or gender-fluid.’
Littered among the loser-stenched carcasses of those I beat were Lord Sugar (25th), Ant McPartlin (24th), Jeremy Clarkson (16th), Phillip Schofield (13th), Boris Johnson (sixth) and Prince Harry, who capped a miserable year by trailing in second to his wife Meghan’s former pub drinking mate.
Some, like follicly challenged EastEnders star Jake Wood (fifth), who won the trophy four times running until I ate him up like a silvering fox terrorising a baldy hen, took it as badly as I hoped: ‘Devastated,’ he tweeted, with a crying emoji.
Others tried to puncture my admittedly unctuous smuggery, like Eamonn Holmes (19th) who won the Pathetic-Straw-Clutcher Award by sniping: ‘Poor Piers, who is going to break it to him that being lower down the list is better because it makes you less of a secret crush and more of a normal one?’
On a more positive note, when my old Britain’s Got Talent superfan Susan ‘Piersy Baby!’ Boyle was told I’d won on Loose Women and asked if she still had a crush on me, she exclaimed breathlessly: ‘I haven’t got a crush, I’ve got a SMASH!’
There’s a new Instagram filter called ‘How Old Do I Look?’ that analyses a current photo of your face and determines your aesthetic rather than birth age. To her horror, perpetually self-sacrificing, teetotal, vegetarian, party-avoiding, ‘my body is a temple’ Susanna Reid’s age came back as 60 (she’s 49), whereas I was found to look just 35 (I’m 54)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 11
Perhaps one explanation for my storming victory is my youthful appearance, carefully cultivated by a strictly observed carnivore/alcohol diet going back many decades.
There’s a new Instagram filter called ‘How Old Do I Look?’ that analyses a current photo of your face and determines your aesthetic rather than birth age.
To her horror, perpetually self-sacrificing, teetotal, vegetarian, party-avoiding, ‘my body is a temple’ Susanna Reid’s age came back as 60 (she’s 49), whereas I was found to look just 35 (I’m 54).
‘Time you got back on the booze, meat and 4am Soho benders!’ I chortled delightedly.
The only person more stunned than Susanna was Chris Evans, who nearly self-combusted on his Virgin radio show upon hearing the news.
‘Piers didn’t look as young as 35 when he was 35!’ he spluttered incredulously, and not entirely unfairly.
‘Piers didn’t look as young as 35 when he was 35!’ Chris Evans spluttered incredulously, and not entirely unfairly
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 13
More glory in awards season, as I won music magazine NME’s Villain Of The Year gong, also for the second consecutive time, beating Boris Johnson (again) and The Avengers’ bad boy, Thanos.
The NME’s grimy, unwashed, drug-ravaged, head-banging Corbynite readers are just the sort of people I most enjoy annoying, so this is particularly pleasing.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 15
Dame Joan Collins and her husband Percy threw a delightful 18th wedding anniversary party at their Beverly Hills apartment tonight, attended by many Hollywood stars including Linda Gray, Stephanie Beacham, George Hamilton and Frank Sinatra’s daughter Tina.
‘And They Said It Wouldn’t Last!’ went the invite, reflecting how many viewed the nuptials negatively given the 32-year age gap and the fact that Percy is Joan’s fifth husband.
Dame Joan Collins and her husband Percy threw a delightful 18th wedding anniversary party at their Beverly Hills apartment, attended by many Hollywood stars including Linda Gray, Stephanie Beacham, George Hamilton and Frank Sinatra’s daughter Tina
‘What’s the secret of this marriage’s success?’ I asked Joan, as we tucked into a splendid Mexican feast.
‘Separate bathrooms!’ she replied, instantly.
‘I would say it’s more down to two other words,’ chuckled Percy, “Yes dear.” ’
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 28
The most thrilling moment of my life was England winning the cricket World Cup last summer off the last ball of the game.
Don’t get me wrong – I was excited by the births of my four children. But I didn’t run around the delivery room screaming like a maniac for ten minutes and hugging random strangers as I did that evening at Lord’s.
Tonight, I was back at the scene of the triumph and got to interview England’s captain, Eoin Morgan, in the famous Long Room as part of a fundraising night organised by Wellington College (whose recent alumni, Morgan’s fellow England stars Tom and Sam Curran, were also on the panel) for the Ruth Strauss Foundation, set up by former England captain Sir Andrew Strauss in memory of his wife, who so sadly died of cancer.
I was most curious about two things.
First, what did Morgan say to fast bowler Jofra Archer after every ball he bowled during the dramatic extra ‘super over’, to keep him calm as they both walked back to his mark?
‘I just kept asking him what his best type of ball was,’ replied Morgan. ‘Obviously, I knew the answer – his yorker – but I wanted him to tell me. In tense situations you need to remind people of their biggest strength.’
The brilliance of this ploy is one of the many reasons Morgan is such a great leader.
My second question was designed to see if the stunning victory had had the same effect on him as it had on me.
‘The exact moment we won the World Cup…’ I said, pausing for maximum effect, ‘better than sex?’
Morgan smirked, then replied unhesitatingly: ‘Yes!’