Why is there so much thuggery in soapland at the moment? After a terrible year and the depression Covid inflicted on us all, can’t we see some nice fluffy bunny rabbits, puppies and kittens to cheer us all up?
But no. EastEnders has brought us creepy Caleb, as well as a violent group of alleged money-laundering gang members who look as if they couldn’t operate a machine in the launderette, let alone handle hard cash.
Still, it’s allowed the show to bring the trusty handgun out of the props cupboard; heaven forbid it should gather dust for a couple of months.
Simon’s involvement with Jacob has now introduced the threatening Harvey to the cobbles.
Seriously? Harvey doesn’t think he could make more money if he enlisted a few people on a weekend in Manchester, rather than Leanne? Pablo Escobar, she ain’t.
Emmerdale’s Paul has been involved with a thug, who threatened his life over a gambling debt, and at the exhumation we were reminded of how Malone met his grisly end.
It’s all very macho and old-fashioned. Let’s hope everyone soon gets their vaccinations and they can start romping once more.
EASTENDERS: PARENTHOOD(LUM)
Viewers are left asking if bad boy Lucas (pictured) will decide to drop Chelsea in it, or continue to shield her in this week’s Eastenders
Denise (pictured) and Lucas haven’t discussed how they are going to deal with extra security at airports because of Covid screenings as they plan to get their daughter out of a hole
Amid all their desperate planning in a bid to get their daughter out of a hole, Denise and Lucas haven’t once discussed how they are going to deal with heightened security at airports because of Covid screenings and jabs.
Will bad boy Lucas decide to drop Chelsea in it, or continue to shield her? Does anybody still care?
Over at the Vic, another era ends as Sharon packs up her things to leave (that should take all of five minutes, and her false eyelashes will take up most of the space in the case).
Kim plans a party, which turns out to be rather quiet, given that the wrong date is on the invites. Not that Sharon cares, as she’s finding it hard to say goodbye to the pub – again.
Please don’t let her burst into a rendition of Time To Say Goodbye; don’t be surprised to see the giant full moon dragged from the props cupboard though, with Sharon gazing wistfully into the sky.
At least the Vic’s finances will be healthier, now she won’t be there drinking the profits.
In other news, Gavin (Sharon’s biological father and Kaffy’s fird ‘usband) is dead – and there’s a major twist. Expect Sharon to start nosediving into a bottle again.
CORONATION STREET: DRESSED TO SPILL
In this week’s Coronation Street, Debbie hosts a frock viewing party for Abi – only to accidentally sit on some food in a dress worth £5k (pictured)
The Street has had some real Addams Family-style horror bridal gowns over the years, and it’s as if they’ve all been wheeled out when Debbie hosts a frocks viewing party for Abi.
She wants a low-key wedding so isn’t impressed with the cream puff army, and when Debbie accidentally sits on some food, everyone is shocked to discover the dress she was wearing is worth £5k.
Debbie’s furious when Abi throws Prosecco over the stain (it normally works – trust me).
The Tyrone/Alina relationship drags on and is the least convincing love story in soap history. What clinches it for Tyrone is when Alina confesses she knows her way around a car engine.
The woman doesn’t look as if she could find her way around the opening of a Dinky car box, and the moon-eyed expressions she adopts in his presence make her look less like a rabbit in headlights than one who’s just been told it’s heading for a stew.
When Seb declares his feelings for her (another totally unconvincing romance), she says she’s in love with someone else, before telling Tyrone she’s fallen for him.
So, how exactly did this happen? She washed a few dishes in front of him and they were in the same yoga class – briefly.
Peter’s daily jigsaws are a veritable Grand Prix of excitement alongside this dullness.
EMMERDALE: REPENT AT LEISURE
Meanwhile, Harriet (pictured) is taken to a self-imposed exile in a cellar with some food and a Bible in Emmerdale
Harriet’s meltdown was going to be only a matter of time, and serving both God and mammon (a lot of mammon) has really taken it out of her.
Now, aided by Will, she’s taken to self-imposed exile in a cellar, with just her Bible and some food for comfort (surely, she has a stash of Communion wine, too?). How long will she be there?
Decades would be my guess; she’s hoping to repent her sins and, let’s be honest, there have been a lot of them.
I reckon that each act of having it away with a local in the vestry carries with it a holy sentence of at least five years.