Soapland’s love scenes have taken on a strange look. Because of social distancing, characters cannot be seen to be frantically ripping off each other’s clothes, jumping into bed, kissing, or any other variant of what they used to do in the old days.
Corrie’s Alina and Tyrone have fallen in love behind closed doors; EastEnders’ Kat and Phil managed several unseen romps behind car bonnets in the garage; Emmerdale’s Jamie was able to get Gabby pregnant simply by looking at her from the other side of a farmhouse kitchen.
Will we ever see a return to the old days, with Corrie’s Ken romping on a houseboat or EastEnders’ Phil and Mel delighting in each other’s company on a table (well, it was Christmas)?
Will Emmerdale’s cricket pavilion return to the glorious times when there wasn’t a bat and ball in sight, just steamy locals scoring in whatever ways they saw fit?
Just at the crucial moment, with bodies about to ignite in passion, it’s now as if the screen automatically hits the pause button, and everything else has to be left to our imaginations. Personally, I’m pining for the days of Emmerdale’s breathy, sweaty Cain.
CORONATION STREET: COSTA DEL CRIME
A dodgy cleaner (pictured) reports Simon when he’s spotted visiting Peter in hospital in this week’s Coronation Street
The ongoing drama Carry On Dealing continues with Simon and his merry band of would-be gangsters. Are we really expected to believe the family had to go into hiding over a couple of bags of cocaine?
Maybe it’s the fault of Costa Coffee opening up, and their Colombian Roast Espresso giving locals delusions of South American drugs cartels.
With Peter in hospital, awaiting a liver transplant, Simon breaks cover to visit him, little knowing that he is being watched by a dodgy cleaner, who makes a call to report his whereaboutszzzzzzzzz. When the cleaner punches Peter, the transplant coordinator decides he needs to stay in hospital.
How come Weatherfield General has so many free beds? Peter practically has a long-term lease on his. And how did a liver appear so quickly? You wouldn’t get one that fast if you ordered it from Uber Eats.
Tyrone is in for a shock when Kevin and Abi make it clear Alina cannot be his Plus One at the wedding. How long is this absurd Tyrone/Alina love story going to carry on? They make watching paint dry look like the Barnum And Bailey Circus.
EASTENDERS: MONEY TALKS
Janet’s agent, Estelle – Sue Holderness, of Only Fools And Horses fame – asks Billy to go for a drink in EastEnders
There aren’t many occasions when the words love, interest and Billy appear in the same sentence. Broke, miserable, depressed, angry, jealous – any number of adjectives spring to mind, but love and interest come around once in a blue moon.
But hallelujah! Lightning has struck with the arrival of Janet’s agent, Estelle –Sue Holderness, of Only Fools And Horses fame – who is rather taken with our Billy.
At Janet’s photoshoot, Estelle invites Billy for a drink. Given his history with money, he probably forgets to tell her that she’s paying.
Money rears its ugly head again when Honey asks Estelle why Janet is being paid less than the other children and threatens to pull her daughter from the shoot. Who will Billy believe? If there are a couple of free pints in it, I’m taking a wild guess.
Walford loves its financial woes, and now Mitch and Karen are struggling to make ends meet. I’m not sure that Bernadette becoming a surrogate for Stuart and Rainie is the answer, but the broody pair are running out of options.
They do know that a surrogate doesn’t have to live in Albert Square, right? One word. Internet.
The ever-expanding Carter family has been, er, blessed, with Nancy turning up again, but what’s her big secret? Please tell me that MI6 have recruited her to dispense with Mick – or, at the very least, Linda’s cardigans.
EMMERDALE: DEAD FUNNY
Faith (pictured) is caught stealing bedding and a mattress by Pollard in Emmerdale
A hearse serves two functions in TV drama. It’s an emotional prop used to transport a favourite character on their last journey (add a horse if it’s EastEnders); or it’s a comedy prop, around which absurd things happen.
Emmerdale has been milking the comedy hearse for months, since Faith turned up having stolen one from her boss. She’s in thieving mode again, and Pollard wants to know what she’s up to when he finds her stealing bedding and a mattress.
It seems Faith has a new idea regarding the hearse. Heck, why not? If a show’s paid for such an expensive prop, you might as well utilise it.