Have you ever been to a funeral for someone you hated?
Because that’s what Married At First Sight’s ‘clip show’ finale felt like on Sunday night.
Here I was, dressed and ready for a bit of bogan drama, only to be treated to a two-hour eulogy for a bunch of moronic Instagram fleas whose careers died when the clock hit 9.31pm.
Rest in peace: Have you ever been to a funeral for someone you hated? Because that’s what Married At First Sight’s ‘clip show’ finale felt like on Sunday night
‘We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of 20 entitled influencers who tried and failed to burst free from the cocoon of mediocrity,’ began the priest.
‘May our only hopes be that their social media careers die in the same fashion as their TV careers. Quickly and quietly.’
From the get-go, Channel Nine was desperate to convince us all that this season would be more true love, and less bogans.
Fifteen minutes later: ‘We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of 20 entitled influencers who tried and failed to burst free from the cocoon of mediocrity,’ began the priest
They even hired two clones of Jules and Cam – the now legitimately married couple from last year – to front the current season’s billboard campaign.
‘Turns out true love is lucrative after all,’ said Nine’s head of marketing in a meeting with the relationship experts.
True love, not true crime! From the get-go, Channel Nine was desperate to convince us all that this season would be more true love, and less bogans
But the result was cast a of ‘normal’ (read: ugly and stupid) singles who couldn’t even keep their fake marriages alive long enough to experience the payoff.
Sunday’s reunion saw 490,000 less viewers tune in than last year and the only remaining couple may as well have a Laxettes deal, because they’re full of s**t.
This season was such a colossal failure that only four out of 10 couples got any screen time at all. The rest sat around watching their follower count plummet.
What they said we’d get: They even hired two clones of Jules and Cam – the now legitimately married couple from last year – to front the current season’s billboard campaign
What we got: But the result was cast a of ‘normal’ (read: ugly and stupid) singles who couldn’t even keep their fake marriages alive long enough to experience the payoff
Connie and Jonnie
Who invited you? Somehow, boring old Connie and Jonnie were one of the lucky couples to get time on the couch on Sunday. They were so boring that Nine opted to play a highlights reel rather then let them speak
Somehow, boring old Connie and Jonnie were one of the lucky couples to get time on the couch on Sunday.
Sitting across from them were the three relationship experts who once again bungled nine out of 10 matches this year. That’s nine less mag deals, you idiots!
For some reason, pheromone specialist Dr. Trisha Snoutford was dressed all in black.
John Aiken: ‘Welcome back, guys.’
Jonnie: ‘Thanks bro, how you been hoppin?’
John: ‘Right, my ears are already bleeding, just roll the tape!’
Whoops! Sitting across from them were the three relationship experts who once again bungled nine out of 10 matches this year. That’s nine less mag deals, you idiots!
Sorry John, but unless you’ve found the tape where Jonnie ‘slides into a DM’ and slides out with any semblance of a personality, we’re not interested.
‘Any parting words?’ asked Mel Schilling after the low-lights reel faded to black.
‘I just want to give a huge shout-out to Trisha for finding time to drop in on her way home from the funeral,’ Jonnie replied.
Anything you’d like to say? ‘I just want to give a huge shout-out to Trisha for finding time to drop in on her way home from the funeral,’ Jonnie said
‘For f**k’s sake! Barked Trish, looking down at what she was wearing for the first time.
‘I knew those skanks in wardrobe were pranking me again!’
They’re dead! ‘For f**k’s sake!’ barked Trish, looking down at what she was wearing for the first time. ‘I knew those skanks in wardrobe were pranking me again!’
Ivan and Aleks
REAL nice: Aleks and Ivan returned to the couch for the first time since they fled the reality TV experiment for getting ‘too real’. ‘Look who came crawling back!’ cackled John Aiken
Aleks and Ivan returned to the couch for the first time since they fled the reality TV experiment for getting ‘too real’.
The last time was saw them, Aleks was blasting the experts for daring to ask whether she’d slept with Ivan.
To make matters worse, house troll Michael Goonan alleged that he’d seen Aleks out on a date with a man ‘more her type’ the night before the reunion.
John: ‘Look who came crawling back! So what happened? You’re back together?’
Ivan: ‘Shut up John. See this new top knot? It means I don’t listen to honest feedback anymore. I’m on my own path and Aleks and I are in love’
Ivan: ‘Shut up, John. See this new top knot? It means I don’t listen to honest feedback anymore. I’m on my own path and Aleks and I are in love.’
Aleks: ‘Yeah, I just had a light bulb moment and came back to him. End of story. No need to investigate.’
Ivan: ‘Yeah, I remember the day vividly. I was at the newsagency, staring at a front page magazine spread from Jules and Cam’s real wedding…’
Lights are on, nobody’s home: Aleks: ‘Yeah, I just had a light bulb moment and came back to him. End of story. No need to investigate’
John: ‘Ah, so you finally worked out that couples get better endorsement deals?’
Aleks: ‘Oh, I was just going to make up some bulls**t like I always do, but your excuse is better!’
Attention then turned to Ivan, who was accused of using Michael and Josh to talk up the fact he’d had sex with Aleks at one of the dinner parties.
John: ‘Ah, so you finally worked out that couples get better endorsement deals?’
John was getting bored just listening to them and so was Australia.
John: ‘Alright, you’re boring me. Roll the highlights tape.’
Aleks: ‘Oh, I was just going to make up some bulls**t like I always do, but your excuse is better!’
Mishel and Steve
Mish-HELL: More than six weeks removed from the experiment and Mishel was still sooking about how Steve didn’t find her attractive
More than six weeks removed from the experiment and Mishel was still sooking about how Steve didn’t find her attractive.
Instead of listening to her whinge, they just played a montage of all the times Steve looked at Mishel and thought, ‘Yeah, nah’.
Or whatever the British equivalent for that is.
Just roll the tape! Instead of listening to her whinge, they just played a montage of all the times Steve looked at Mishel and thought ‘nup’
But she was still moaning when the clip ended.
Mishel: ‘I’m a very sexual, confident woman, but Steve made me feel like that fat kid crying in the corner.’
Mel Schilling: ‘Look, we’ve told Nasser Sultan to go home but he won’t move!’
The way you make me feel: Mishel: ‘I’m a very sexual, confident woman, but Steve made me feel like that fat kid crying in the corner’
Mishel: ‘It was a metaphor, you unqualified quacks. I meant me!’
Mel: ‘Great idea. Do we have a package of Mishel crying? Can we cut to that?’
Mishel and Steve’s riveting three-month storyline ended with them agreeing to be friends without benefits.
Mel Schilling: ‘Look, we’ve told Nasser Sultan to go home but he won’t move!’
And The Rest
Who gives a s**t? Elsewhere, Hayley and David were still banging on about the s**tty toothbrush saga and Michael and Stacey confirmed their split
Elsewhere, Hayley and David were still banging on about the s**tty toothbrush saga, and Michael and Stacey confirmed the cheating allegations had ended their blossoming fauxmance.
And last but not least were Liz and Seb, who wisely decided to make a last minute play for a Jules and Cam moment.
‘We got our happily ever after!’ she beamed.
‘Colgate, Sprite, Mazda, Huawei… you name it, we got it!’
*Whispering* ‘Change of plans!’ And last but not least were Liz and Seb, who wisely decided to make a last minute play for a Jules and Cam moment
Happily ever after: ‘We got our happily ever after!’ she beamed. ‘Colgate, Sprite, Mazda, you name it, we got it!’ ‘Hello, can anybody hear me?’ … ‘Wait a second, why is it all dark and… dirty?’