ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

Did my ex use me for sex? 

I am in my late 40s and have a good marriage. I love my husband very much and we have three gorgeous teenage children. However, recently at a party at an old friend’s house, I met the man I used to be desperately in love with in my 20s and I realised I was still very attracted to him. We were together for nearly two years. I kept hoping he would propose but eventually he ended the relationship. Soon afterwards, he married someone else. I think he had been seeing her while he was still with me, but I didn’t discover that until later. When we met again at the party, we got on really well. He took my number and we met for coffee a few times. Then, when his wife went away for a couple of days, he invited me to his house. He was very seductive and we ended up making love – it was absolutely wonderful. That was three months ago. He said he would get in touch but he hasn’t and my calls and texts have gone unanswered. I feel so rejected, but also very guilty because I do love my husband and I know he would be devastated if he found out.

You probably won’t feel this way at first, but I think you’ve had a lucky escape. You have risked so much – it could have cost you your marriage and your children would have been devastated – for a man who is clearly not worth it. But you are very lucky that you haven’t been found out because, as this man is declining all contact, it stops you getting further involved. Hopefully no one will ever know and your husband will not get hurt. It sounds as if this man was always a player, and clearly he hasn’t changed. Sadly, I think he was never quite as into you as you were him. Though he was obviously still attracted to you when you met again, he may just have wanted sex. Alternatively, it could have been guilt that has stopped him contacting you since, though this is probably not the case. Either way, you need to stop trying to contact him and consign him to history. There are many reasons why people have affairs. Perhaps you had been feeling bored and fed up with your home life. So when you met your ex, all your old feelings were rekindled, along with a wistfulness for your youth, and you couldn’t resist the excitement of a liaison with him. This is understandable, but it is not fair on your husband, and affairs mostly only lead to unhappiness. So have the strength to walk away and concentrate on your marriage. You could read my book To Love, Honour and Betray – Why Affairs Happen and How to Survive Them.

 

She wants her boyfriend to stay over

My daughter is nearly 18 and wants her boyfriend to be allowed to sleep in her bedroom in our house. I have always made him sleep on the sofa until now. They have been seeing each other for several months and we do like him, but I think she is too young for a sexual relationship. I am also worried that she will set a bad example to her younger sister who is 13. However, because so far we have said no, we now hardly see her – she stays over at his house most weekends (his parents don’t mind) and several weekday evenings in the school holidays. We have told her that she must be in her own home during the week in term time as it is their A-level year. I’m also worried that she is not getting enough work done at weekends because she is always with him.

It can be difficult for parents when they realise that their children have become adults and want sexual relationships. Yes, it’s perhaps a little young but while some 17-year-olds end up having sex when they are not emotionally ready for it and can get hurt, others are fine. However, as your daughter and her boyfriend have been together for some months and in your longer letter you say that he is kind, polite, friendly and also nice to your younger daughter, it sounds like a good relationship. So I can’t really see the harm in him staying over. You would certainly see more of her and you might be able to encourage them both to work a little harder and persuade them to want to do well in their exams together.

• If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email [email protected]