ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

Why does my bitter mother blame me for everything?   

Seven years ago a widower moved in next door to my mother. They became friends, then an item, but I was suspicious as I didn’t feel his intentions were honourable. Soon everything in my mother’s life revolved around him and she became the subject of local gossip. From what I could glean, he hadn’t been faithful to his late wife and had a drinking problem. He even started accusing married male neighbours of wanting to be with my mother. Then, four years ago, he was diagnosed with dementia.My mother became deeply involved with his care as his own daughter wanted nothing to do with him and his son lived miles away. I suggested to my mother that she should distance herself as he had other family and I thought he was taking advantage. She started bombarding me with comments about how I didn’t care about her and told anyone who would listen that I wasn’t interested in helping him because of his illness. He died last year and she did eventually admit that he had taken advantage of her, but I had to endure these false comments for so long. She is now elderly and more difficult – I have to look after her as my brother never pulls his weight. If someone upsets her she always takes it out on me despite everything I do – then denies that she has made unpleasant comments. 

This is upsetting for you. Unfortunately it sounds as though your mother has always been difficult and perhaps this is exacerbated by old age. I am sure that you were right not to trust this man – it is telling that his own daughter wanted nothing to do with him – and your mother has at least admitted this. It must have been difficult to have to endure her comments that you were uncaring, when the opposite is true. Try not to worry about that now: it may be hurtful but it doesn’t matter what she or others think of you. You know that you are a kind, caring person and that you were only trying to protect your mum, which is what counts. It is clear from your longer letter that you do a great deal to look after her, largely unappreciated, and she is often unkind to you. She sounds bitter and perhaps disappointed with life, which is sad, but this is also not your fault. You do plenty for her but you can’t be responsible for her happiness. Stand up to your mother and explain that it is difficult to talk to her if she treats you with no respect or kindness. Visit carersuk.org and download its booklet Looking After Someone which contains practical information about caring for another person in old age.

He’s having an affair with my friend  

I was shattered when my friend’s husband told me that our spouses are having an affair. He says that it has been going on for two years. I have been married for 25 years and have two children in their 20s. My husband denies it and says this man is just trying to cause problems. But I have noticed that he has been very secretive about his phone and often comes home late from work. I thought we had a good marriage and sex life, so I am devastated by this discovery. He has been unfaithful before but when I found out he promised it would never happen again. Now I wonder if there have been other affairs as well. I’m not sure if I want us to stay together as I don’t think I can trust him again.

If someone has an affair and it is discovered, they see how utterly devastating it is for their partner, so to do this again is extremely disloyal. This must be incredibly painful for you and it is understandable that your trust has been shattered. Sadly, even people in reasonably good relationships can be unfaithful. What’s more, if your husband has been seeing your friend, then she has betrayed you, too. However, it does not necessarily mean he loves her or wants to leave the marriage. Talk to him about this and the pain that it has caused you. Tell him that if you stay together it might be difficult to trust him in the future. I suggest that you have joint counselling to help you decide whether or not you want to end the marriage. If your husband refuses, go on your own. You should also talk to a solicitor to work out the financial implications if you decide to divorce.  

• If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email [email protected]