ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

Can we be friends… and have sex?   

Over the past year or so a man at work has become my best friend. About six months ago we slept together – it was brilliant – then things returned to normal. It happened a few more times every couple of weeks. We still hang out as friends but there is definitely chemistry. I try to convince myself that this is great for me: I’m a modern woman and this is what modern women do. He never wants to leave quickly afterwards; in fact we pretty much act ‘in love’ for days at a time. However, it doesn’t last and he feels that the longer this goes on, the more likely we are to lose our friendship. He says he’s not looking for a relationship with anyone else and apologises for us having sex. He now thinks it’s too confusing to work together, be best mates and sleep together and he tells me he values our friendship the most. It’s been a while since we had sex and I have slept with someone else to try to get over him. It wasn’t great but I felt it gave me some closure. We still get on like before, but now we ignore the chemistry. My gut tells me that we’re too good together to give each other up. I’m half looking for a new job, and I try to give him space outside work, but he’s always happy to spend lots of time together and still behaves intimately.

This doesn’t really make sense, does it? Who wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is their best friend when the sex is also brilliant? I think there are two possibilities. The first might be very painful for you but it could be that although he loves you as a friend and obviously finds you very sexually attractive, he might not feel that he could fall ‘in love’ with you. And in the back of his mind he is waiting to find someone else, even though he says he isn’t. The second option is that he could be scared – either of being too young for commitment (you don’t say how old you both are) or convinced that relationships don’t work out and that if you got together you would inevitably split up and he would lose you completely. This could be especially true if he has divorced parents and more so if they split acrimoniously. So you need to talk to him and ask him to be completely honest with you, even if he thinks he will hurt you. Tell him that you would really like to be together and ask if these reasons are the case but, either way, you want to know. He needs to be aware that the friendship has already changed, because how would he feel, for instance, if you met someone else? And would you still feel able to see him as much and feel as close to him if he met another woman?

We’re not invited to her wedding

My son got married last summer in a country house at great expense. My niece is getting married this summer but has said that she is having a small wedding, and that her uncles, aunts and cousins will only be invited to the evening do. This has caused great consternation. My niece and her fiancé have well-paid jobs and came to my son’s wedding, which lasted all day. They could afford to invite us for the entire event but have chosen not to. The reception is 45 miles away – not worth travelling to if we are not going to the wedding ceremony as well – so we won’t be attending. Any advice?

My advice is go to the reception with good will and grace. Try to look at it this way: not everybody is the same. Your son and his wife were happy to have a big, expensive wedding, but maybe your niece and her fiancé want a very small and intimate one. Maybe one (or both) of them is shy or socially anxious, or maybe you are part of a huge family and they find saying their vows in front of so many people daunting. Perhaps some parts of the family don’t get on so she wants to keep it simple. Weddings shouldn’t be about the expense and I very much doubt that reducing costs is behind their decision. A wedding is a special day for the couple to make a bond of love and commitment and I really do feel they should be able to do it exactly as they want. So please make the effort to go for your niece’s sake and that of her parents (your sibling) – I think you would regret it if you didn’t.

• If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email [email protected]