ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

I had no idea that my wife fancies other women

Can you shed some light on what has happened to my marriage and why my wife has changed so much? We have been married for 29 years but for the past four or five, she has kept criticising me for looking at other women – even though I don’t. She’s even asked, ‘Do you fancy her?’ of pretty women on TV. I thought that it was just her getting older and started being a lot more caring towards her. However, she’s now told me that she wants a divorce and intends to live with another woman, who she knows through work. I’m devastated. I’ve also discovered that everyone except me seemed to be aware of what was going on – I didn’t even know she fancies other women. I feel broken, and I’m also worried about how our 17-year-old daughter will react.

It must have been a terrible shock for you to discover that your wife is attracted to women. Of course, it must have been difficult for her, too, as perhaps she has been repressing her feelings for a number of years, or maybe she only recently realised. However, when a spouse discovers that their partner’s sexuality isn’t what they thought, it is very painful and can make them question their whole marriage. They wonder whether their partner ever truly loved them, or only got married because they wanted children, or felt that it was expected of them. It can also make the spouse question if their partner ever really enjoyed sex with them or just pretended to, which of course is devastating and totally undermines self-esteem. So it is perhaps not surprising that you feel broken.

I expect that your wife constantly criticising you and accusing you of looking at other women might have been an attempt to sabotage your marriage, so that you would ask for a divorce and she wouldn’t have to. When you did the opposite and became more caring she eventually had to tell you the truth. This is not in any way your fault or about you not being good enough – in fact, you sound like a lovely husband.

As for your daughter, I think honesty is always best, so be open with her and give her plenty of opportunity to talk. I’m sure that she loves you both very much and it will be easier for your daughter if you and your wife can remain amicable. But this is very sad for you, so do have counselling, on your own, with Relate (relate.org.uk) or the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk) to rebuild your self-esteem and trust. Then you can be ready to meet someone new, who will love you fully and make you happy again.

 

 

I don’t know how to break up with him 
I am 22 and my boyfriend, who is 25, is very immature – he just doesn’t take life seriously. I’m quite concerned. I tried talking to him about this and, while he seemed to understand, nothing really changed. I then attempted to break things off, but he was very upset and I didn’t want to hurt him more, so we got back together. Now I am confused and unhappy, but it seems really difficult to end the relationship. Should I split up with him even if it hurts?

 Everyone knows that when a relationship ends, the person who has been left is often devastated. But the person who finishes the relationship is sometimes sad, too, because it is the end of their hopes and dreams. This can especially be the case if a couple has been together for a while and, like you, the person who wants to leave the relationship doesn’t want to hurt their partner. However, you can’t stay in a relationship just because you feel sorry for someone or don’t want to upset them. Looking ahead, do you really want to be with your boyfriend in five, ten or 50 years? If the relationship is not right you have to leave at some point and the longer you put it off the harder it will be. Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like the one for you. Some people are quite immature, even in their 20s, but the fact that you have told him your concerns and he hasn’t addressed them indicates that you will simply become more at odds with each other as time goes on. Letting go is painful, but I think that is the only thing you can do.

 

• If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email [email protected]