ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

Why won’t my children forgive me?      

My daughter suddenly stopped talking to me four years ago. I only wish I knew why. I did not see her three children for nearly two months when I had previously seen them most weeks. After I begged to continue seeing them I was finally allowed. They are 14, 16 and 19 and I cherish them. My son has not spoken to me since I split up with their father 29 years ago but I do see his lovely daughters. I know I haven’t been the perfect mother. I left their father for my second husband and my ex has since passed away. But my husband and I have always helped out when we can, be it babysitting, money issues or stepping in when there has been an emergency. Recently I asked my friend to read a letter that I had written to my daughter – it made her cry and she said that my daughter must have a heart of stone if she didn’t act on it. My ex was not a bad man – but I just wasn’t in love with him any more and I fell deeply in love with someone else. I know my husband and I caused deep hurt to both our families, and a big part of me cannot forgive myself. But I wonder how my husband’s daughters can forgive us both and accept me (they and their children are a big part of our lives), when my own children cannot.

Sometimes it can be even harder to leave a good man than to leave one who is not so nice because many people don’t understand. However, think of it this way – if you had stayed, you would have been living a lie. Painful as it was for your ex, I’m sure that most people wouldn’t want to stay in a marriage where their partner didn’t see them as a lover and was only pretending to be happy. And I expect that your husband wouldn’t have either. So please forgive yourself after all these years. I think perhaps the situation has become very complicated by the fact that your ex has since died. I wonder if somehow your children’s anger at you leaving has got mixed up further down the line with grief and that they somehow blame you for his death – totally irrationally. In my experience as a counsellor, sometimes children don’t understand these things unless they are in a similar situation. And, of course, they never had the chance to see their father fall in love and be happy again. I am not sure why your daughter suddenly changed towards you, though. Do your children have loving partners or perhaps a very close friend who could advocate for you with them? It is very painful for you but just keep offering love and support to your grandchildren and hopefully, in time, your children will soften.

Can he really love her if he’s cheating with me?  

After my divorce a year ago, I started seeing a guy from a different department at work even though I knew he has a girlfriend. She doesn’t know about me. At the beginning it was just about the sex (which is fantastic) but then I started to develop feelings for him and I didn’t want to share him. For a while I finished it, but I missed him so I started seeing him again. He says that he finds me very sexy and enjoys my company but he has never said that he loves me. Surely he can’t really love his girlfriend if he is having an affair with me? Do you think if I keep seeing him he will eventually fall for me and leave her? I’m 45 and he is in his early 50s. He’s also divorced with grown-up children. Mine are in their teens and live half the week with their dad.

Why are you settling for so little from this man? I can only imagine that you were so unhappy and undermined in your marriage that any man who shows an interest in you is better than none. But he is taking advantage of you. I’m sure that it’s true that he finds you very sexy and enjoys your company – why wouldn’t he when he is having fantastic sex on the side? But sadly I think you are fooling yourself if you think that this will ever lead to a committed, loving relationship. He may well not be madly in love with his girlfriend, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he will ever leave her. He may still love her in other ways and perhaps they have a comfortable life together. Please get the courage to leave him and find someone who you don’t have to share!

• If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email [email protected]