ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

I flirted with my friend’s husband and now she won’t speak to me    

A few months ago, I got drunk at my friend’s 50th birthday party and flirted outrageously with her husband. I ended up sitting on his lap with my arms draped around him. She was furious, said I’d ruined her birthday and hasn’t spoken to me since. I’m desperate to make amends, especially now, but she won’t return my calls so I’ve given up. We’ve been friends for 20 years and I keep thinking, ‘What if she dies and I never get to tell her how sorry I am and how much I love her?’ I totally regret being stupid and getting so drunk. I’m fond of her husband, I’ve known him for years and we get on well, but I don’t fancy him and I didn’t mean anything by it. I think he was just being kind. My own husband, who is lovely, wasn’t bothered; he just said that I made a bit of a fool of myself. He knows that I’m just quite flirty but it’s harmless. He thinks my friend is overreacting. I don’t know what to do.

This is so sad. I agree with your husband that your friend does seem to be overreacting a bit. As you have been close for 20 years, she must know that you are quite flirtatious. However, this time it was her husband you flirted with and you may have crossed a line. She probably feels a little insecure. Perhaps you are fun and vivacious (after all, if you are flirtatious, presumably men flirt back), whereas your friend may be shyer and might have felt a little in your shadow. So while she may normally be slightly exasperated by your flirting, this time it hurt. You might not have meant anything by it, but she could be worried that her husband did and she could have been very jealous. And, of course, it did overshadow her party. However, you have tried to apologise. You say in your longer letter that you are afraid to call again in case she gets angry. Your husband sounds very reasonable, so perhaps he could call her and explain how much you regret what you did, then tell her what you have told me – that you are frightened of what this virus means for everybody and that you are desperate to have her friendship back. If ever there was a time to forgive and forget, it is now. Meanwhile, I wonder why you flirt? Often, people who flirt a lot are actually quite insecure. It might be a good idea to think about this and maybe talk it through with your husband, along with having an honest discussion about your drinking. People often use alcohol to quell painful feelings but it only works in the moment, not long term. It might also be worth using this time to work on cutting down.   

How could my fiancé move on so quickly? 

I had been with my fiancé for six years after meeting online. However, two weeks after Christmas, out of the blue, he texted me making accusations and trying to blame me for something that he had done in the past. Four days later he rang to yell at me, using foul language. I haven’t spoken to him since. Recently, I checked his Facebook profile and was devastated when I saw that he had a new girlfriend and was saying he was in love with her and they are getting married. She’s a colleague of his – I know her. He broke my heart and now he won’t return my texts or calls. I don’t know why he did what he did or why he won’t answer. 

Of course you are devastated, especially after all those years together. I know this will be very painful for you to contemplate, but I suspect that he had already fallen for his colleague and might have been having an affair when he first texted you. Often when people feel guilty, they project their feelings and try to shift blame for their actions. It sounds as though he was trying to sabotage the relationship by behaving badly so that you would leave him rather than him having to leave you. But he has been so cruel and ghosting you is a very immature thing to do. You will need to grieve for him and it will take time – but remind yourself that, in the end, it would have been worse to be married to someone capable of being so heartless. It is not easy at the moment but make sure you keep in touch with friends. Online counselling might also help – try Relate (relate.org.uk).