ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questionss

Why does my son refuse to see me?    

I haven’t seen my son for more than two years. He is 34 and lives with his fiancée about a three-hour drive from me. His fiancée is a nice girl and they make a lovely couple, but I have a feeling that she likes to see and be near her own mother and family yet doesn’t want my son to see me. I didn’t even get together with them when they got engaged and every time I have suggested meeting, my son has made an excuse about not coming. I’ve offered to drive to see them but, again, he’s made excuses for me not to go and I don’t think it would be a good idea to just turn up. He did say last year that he would come and visit me on his own but that never materialised. I didn’t even see them at Christmas because he said her family takes priority, which is so hurtful. I tried asking him (when I can get through on the telephone) if I have upset him or his fiancée in any way (not that I have) and he assures me that I haven’t, but something isn’t right. I know they have their own life and I don’t want to interfere with their relationship, but I discussed the situation with a friend and she thinks my son is being totally unreasonable. Is she right? Or am I being too sensitive? I go about my life but it does upset me and, of course, the current situation makes things even worse. 

This is really hard, especially at a time when you (like many of us) are probably very anxious about what is happening in the world and I am sure that you could do with the support of your son now more than ever. I don’t think you are being at all oversensitive – every mother would want to see their son far more than once a year, let alone two years. However, I am afraid that your letter rings some warning bells. You say that you feel that ‘something isn’t right’. It may be just that unfortunately your son and his fiancée are very selfish and thoughtless, but it sounds as if this could be coercive control. This is a pattern of behaviour (now a criminal offence) where one partner tries to dominate the other and make them dependent on them, often by threats and constantly undermining them, making it harder for them to leave the relationship. People usually associate this with men controlling women, but it can happen both ways and one of the key indications is that the abuser tries to cut off the victim from family and friends. Do you think this is what could be happening here? If so you need to tread carefully as any perceived interference from you could make his fiancée cut off contact altogether. Contact Respect, the Men’s Advice Line service on Freephone 0808 801 0327 or mensadviceline.org.uk for support on how to help your son.

I found intimate photos on my wife’s phone    

A new neighbour has asked me to be her sex buddy. She is younger and stunning but is single and lonely. Normally I wouldn’t have even thought about this as I love my wife and until recently we had a very active sex life – we have been married for 30 years and she is still very attractive. However, recently our sex life has died a death. I had put it down to her being quite ill for a couple of weeks and really tired, but then she asked me to fix her phone and I found dozens of intimate photos from the husband of a couple we met on holiday. I don’t think my wife has sent any of herself to him but she has clearly received his with relish. Now I don’t know if I can trust her and I’m torn between love for my wife and pure lust for my neighbour.

Your letter arrived just before lockdown and, of course, you absolutely cannot do anything about your neighbour’s request now. But I hope you can rescue your marriage. It sounds as though you and your wife have both been on the brink of being unfaithful, which would be sad. So gently talk to your wife and tell her that you know about the photos. Try not to be angry as you could be stuck at home together for weeks and you don’t want to spend it arguing. Tell her how hurt you were and that you miss the closeness you had emotionally and sexually. You have a real opportunity to talk right now. I hope that it will bring you closer again, so that you will no longer feel tempted by your neighbour’s request when we are able to go back to some sort of normality.